despite everything

despite all the shit that i have going on in my life, i am finding ways to smile.

my rules to live by are:
-never (EVER) feel sorry for yourself
-always be grateful for what you have
-have faith, that no matter what you're going through, it has a purpose and will only make you better or stronger

the boy is definitely helping out with the situation. we do get into arguements (rarely...but of course we do), but the way he resolves everything with me really makes me fall for him even more. he's not one of those typical guys who thinks he's always right, doesn't admit to anything and is against changing (tweaking) himself. i don't expect him to change, you can't. but i have told him areas where he needs to focus on. and he listens. and admits. and agrees. and i can see him making an effort to change.

these things to me, out weigh the actual problem.

i want to do nothing and everything with him. and sometimes it feels like doing nothing with him, will be everything i need.

dark dark days

i'm being sucked into a black hold where all i'm seeing are negatives. the negatives associated with my parents, living at home, friends and my job.

i feel like i give so much and don't get nearly as much in return. not physcial or material things, but support and uplifting and i never get that in return.

when i'm down. i'm out.

there's no consideration and understanding. just selfish needs. i do appreciate some, but not all.

mental dump

ONE:
i need a new job! this new lady just started yesterday with the title and the salary that i want! and i was told that i was going to get a promotion MONTHS ago and it still hasn't happened. yet we hire this new person on and they give her everything that i want.

TWO:
stuff at home is shittttyyy! parents are mad at me for going out too much. they're not talking to me as of right now. i hide in my room. makes me wish i had my own place so bad.

THREE:
things with the boy are better. and the reason being is that he actually listens to me (even when i'm yelling at him) and doesn't argue back. he owns up to his mistakes and (at least he tells me) he's going to try to change. i'm still monitoring this.

DUMP!

complicated

i try to live a very simple life. no drama. no worries. no games.

but this past weekend has been the exact opposite. EXACT OPPOSITE.

things are really bad at home, with friends anddddddddddd get this...with the boy!

this weekend was one of the worst weekends i've ever had in a long time.

and its not going to just blow over.

just for him

i find i have to make him believe that i need him. like, i need him to make me feel happy. it helps him feel like a man.

i would say about 98% of the time, i don't...but every now and then i do have to tell him i need him for one thing or another. for some reason his ego gets affected if i don't.

weird.

i mean, i don't mind getting help from people or whatever...but i've never had to say i've needed someone. but with him i have to verbalize it.

s'been a while

I know its been ages since i've blogged here. and its not that i don't have things to write about, i really do. but i'm paranoid about blogging from work and i very seldom turn my laptop on when i get home.

but i have been going through a lot of things in the past month.

work is shit. i was promised something and have yet to receive. i guess that's just the norm in the corporate world though no? milk as much as you can out of someone until they finally get fed up with being taken advantage of and the empty promises that they quit? i'm not at that point yet...but i mean, its getting pretty ridiculous at this point. just another month to go until the new year and i'm hoping there will be some changes then.

things are going really well with the boy. we had our first official fight, but we got through it!!! so i guess thats a good sign. it's been about 3 months since our first date but i really do feel like we're moving along a lot faster then that. but its very comfortable. i don't feel like i'm being rushed or anything like that. things just feel right.

but.

i do feel like i'm doing a not so great job in balancing my friendships and my relationship with him. if i do have some free time i do tend to hang out with him more so then my other friends. and that's something i really need to work on. as much as i love hanging out with him, i don't want to become that girl who loses touch with all her friends. i don't want that to be me at all!! need to make more of an effort, so need to sort my head out.

November 10, 2009

knowing your bf's ex-g/f's names and then looking them up on facebook is never a good idea.

i'm sizing myself - obviously based on looks - and comparing myself to them.

even though i don't want to. i am doing it.

and.

its not making me feel to great.

i'm secure with him and obviously he doesn't ever make me feel insecure - suprisingly he makes me feel very secure and confident.

but i always seem to find a way to beat down my own confidence.

October 29, 2009

planting seed

*sniggers*

i wanted him to change.
but didn't want to tell him.
or ask him.
but now he wants to change too.

and the best part is, he thinks its his decision.
when i've been planting the seed all along.

*sniggers*

fall back plan

if you can't rely on being charming or funny or witty or "cool" when you're meeting new people...fall back on your conversation skills.

you don't need to be anything i listed above, but just listen and respond and that will be almost more then enough for someone to start to like you.